


The REAL Reason for Transferring Scully to the X-Files

by IneffableFangirl_writes



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Crack, Dana Scully's case reports, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:55:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23844106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IneffableFangirl_writes/pseuds/IneffableFangirl_writes
Summary: A crack!fic I wrote for a friend after we talked about how much of a pain it probably is to read Scully's reports. She gets all philosophical.Taken from the backlog on my computer, brought to you by quarantine.
Kudos: 13





	The REAL Reason for Transferring Scully to the X-Files

_ And so I can only conclude that it will never be entirely nature or nurture which decides our fate--Danny Oswald is proof of this. Between his genes and his upbringing, many outcomes could have come to pass but it is this deadly one that has. _

“For the love of God,” Walter Thomas, the Dean of the FBI Academy groaned as he flipped through Agent Scully’s field report. It was on a jewel thief recently brought to justice, the tracking down and catching of the man methodically over the period of about six weeks. He pressed a button on the intercom, summoning his secretary.

“Get me Assistant Director Skinner.”

The Assistant Director picked up almost immediately, announcing himself in lieu of a hello.

“Skinner.”

“I’ve got to get rid of one of my instructors.”

“You need to do what?”

“Agent Dana Scully. She teaches here--autopsies and a few other medical courses here and there.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“As a teacher, nothing. The students love her. Her grades are always in on time, I don’t think she’s ever been reprimanded in her career as a student or faculty member.”

“But…” Skinner began, waiting for the inevitable downside.

“Her case reports. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Are they insufficient? Why is she doing case reports anyhow?”

“All the instructors do at least one case a semester to keep them up to date with fieldwork. And no, they’re not insufficient. Quite the opposite, in fact.”

“They’re too good? Help me out here, Walt.”

“It’s like reading a goddamn philosophy essay. Every report is full of these insights and postulations on the modern world and the woman is a genius with a scalpel but so help me if I have to review another report, I might strangle her.”

“You said she only does one a semester?”

“One too many. Do you need any agents? Somewhere out of the way?”

“Let me call you back.”

Approximately a week later, the Dean received a phone call and a fax. Both regarding Dana Scully’s imminent transfer to the Bureau. Standing in Assistant Director Walter Skinner’s office, she was asked if she knew of Special Agent Fox Mulder. She did, of course.

“We’ll need detailed reports,” she was told. “Facts, scientific proof. The man is too set on his own version of what happened, we need a scientific, impartial mind.”

She said she would do her best.

Approximately a month later, Walter Thomas received another phone call.

“Hello?”

“Walt, you were right.”

“The Bulls won the game on a free throw huh? I told you I knew--”

“No,” Skinner interrupted. “Agent Scully’s reports.”

The Dean chuckled. “Not my problem now.”

“I’m not sure how many times I need to tell her to give clear, scientific reports. I’ve even mentioned making them bare bones, just facts and conclusions. And still...do you know how many pages her report from this case was?”

“I’ll guess somewhere around six.”

“Eight. And do you know how many of them were postulating about the effects of small town living on divergent manners of thinking?”

“Umm,”

“ _ Four _ . Half of the damn thing was an essay I might read in Psychology Today. Half of it!”

“Nice of you to call,” Thomas replied cheerily. 

“Walt I might have to send her back. This is going to drive me insane.”

“Sorry, her position has been filled.”

“Walt, I can’t take this.”

“Sorry,” he said, though he didn’t sound the slightest bit upset. “Nothing to be done.”

Skinner was still muttering when he said a cheerful goodbye and hung up.


End file.
